


take me back to the start

by jetplane



Series: spring break (my heart) 2020 [3]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexual Spencer Reid, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Bondage, Character Death, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Death, Drug Use, Drugs, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Gun Violence, Hallucinations, Handcuffs, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Murder, Murder-Suicide, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Pain, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Underage, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Violence, Suicide, Swearing, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Threats of Violence, Underage Rape/Non-con, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:27:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23192413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jetplane/pseuds/jetplane
Summary: Derek Morgan's life is going well. He's living with Spencer Reid, his best friend and boyfriend, and the two are happy together. But all of that changes when Derek wakes up one day to find that Carl Buford has escaped from prison.
Relationships: Carl Buford/Derek Morgan, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Series: spring break (my heart) 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1655539
Comments: 9
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This is the truly the darkest, most messed-up story I have *ever* written. There is violence and death and non-con (and I don't even know if it's good non-con because I'm ace and have no idea how these things work). Please don't feel pressured to read if any of the warnings in the tags make you uncomfortable. 
> 
> “nobody said it was easy//it's such a shame for us to part//nobody said it was easy//no one ever said it would be this hard//oh, take me back to the start”  
> \- “The Scientist” by Coldplay

Derek Morgan knows that something is wrong before he even opens his eyes. He starts to get up, intending to retrieve the gun from his nightstand so he can clear the house, but something stops him. His wrists and ankles are chained.

He’s fully awake and alert in an instant, heart pounding as he struggles futilely against the bonds. In the back of his mind, Morgan realizes that he’s in his bedroom, but that’s of little comfort to him at the moment. He doesn’t know what’s going on, but he knows he needs to get himself free.

The light flicks on suddenly, and Derek’s eyes involuntarily squeeze shut. “Hello?” the agent calls out as he forces his eyelids open. “Hello? Is anybody there?”

“I was wondering when you’d wake up,” snarls a low voice. Morgan’s blood runs cold as Carl Buford steps through the doorway. “It’s been a while, Derek.”

“Buford,” Morgan growls. He wonders briefly how the man could have escaped from jail, but quickly shoves those thoughts aside. There are much more immediate concerns to focus on. “What do you want?”

“I want,” Carl begins, drawing a switchblade from his pocket - “for you to regret” - he switches it open - “what you did to me”. The blade catches the light and Morgan flinches slightly as it reflects into his still-sensitive eyes. The room is slightly blurred, and Derek wonders if Buford might have drugged him somehow. “I want you to pay.”

“What I did to you?” Derek echoes in disbelief. He wants to scream at the man, cursing out his very existence, but the profiler inside him knows better. His number one priority has to be getting out of here alive. So he switches to the calmest tone he can muster. “Carl, you don’t have to do this. This won’t make anything better.”

“Shut up,” Buford snaps.

“Just let me out of here,” Morgan continues, surprising himself with how even he manages to keep his voice. “Just let me go and we can talk.”

“Shut up!” he thunders, lunging at Derek with the knife. He jerks as far away as he can, which is only a few inches. To Morgan’s relief, though, the blade never makes contact with his skin. Instead, Buford takes a fistful of his T-shirt in his hand. Morgan tries to pull out of Carl’s grasp, but to no avail.

“Don’t fight me, Derek,” Buford growls as he uses his knife to start cutting through Morgan’s shirt. “If you do, I might just have to kill you. And then I think I’ll go after that pretty doctor you care for so much.” He pulls the garment off Derek’s body and tosses it away.

Morgan lets out an involuntary whimper at the mention of Reid. Not just because of the threat, but because there was no way Buford could know about the two of them. Not unless someone had been stalking them.

Carl’s lips curl into a smile as he sees the surprise on Morgan’s face. “That’s right, Derek,” he says. He cuts away at Morgan’s pajama pants, leaving him exposed save for his boxers. The man climbs onto the bed, straddling Morgan’s naked body. “I know all about your _pretty boy_. Tell me, do you do it like I taught you when you fuck him? Do you ever think of me?”

Images of Carl raping Spencer fill Derek’s mind, and it takes all his willpower to push them away. _Spencer’s safe_ , he reminds himself. He’s never been grateful for anything as much as he is now for the fact that Reid had decided to spend the weekend with his mother. If Buford so much laid a finger on his lover...Morgan could never forgive himself. He sets his jaw and glares silently up at the man, determined not to answer.

Suddenly, Carl punches him. The blow lands squarely on his cheek and Morgan gasps. He’s experienced worse pain, many times, but the shock still leaves his head spinning. “Tell me,” Buford demands, delivering another punch. “How do you fuck that doctor of yours?” A third blow, then a fourth. “Or do you let him fuck you?”

“I - I don’t,” Morgan stammers. He tastes blood and realizes Buford has split open his lip. “We’ve never had - never had sex.”

It’s the truth. Sex wasn’t something Reid was interested in having, with Derek or anyone else. So they never did it. And that didn’t bother Morgan. He was perfectly happy to watch movies together and listen to Spencer’s adorable monologues that usually went way over his head. He’d never trade that for the chance to have sex with someone else.

Carl shakes his head in disbelief. “That boy doesn’t know what he’s missing,” he says as he runs his hand along Morgan’s naked torso. The man removes Derek’s boxers with a little help from his knife, then starts to undress himself. “You always were my best fuck. You know that, right, Derek?”

Morgan grits his teeth, trying not to flinch away from the unwanted touch. “Let me out of these cuffs and you’ll see just how good I can be at kicking your fucking ass,” he snaps.

Instead of answering, Buford roughly shoves a chunk of the discarded T-shirt into Derek’s mouth. He pins him down by the shoulders, grasping hard enough to leave bruises, and Derek clenches his jaw around the gag in anticipation of his fate as Buford climbs on top of him. But bracing himself doesn’t make it any easier when Carl shoves himself in with no preparation at all. 

Morgan lets out a strangled scream as his abuser shoves his entire length into him with a thrust that makes Derek feel like he’s being ripped apart. He tries to force Carl out of him, tries to squirm out from under the man, but the painful intrusion just won’t _stop_. Derek squeezes his eyes shut as the man repeatedly slams into his body, each movement burning him from the inside out. Tears stream down his cheeks despite Morgan’s best efforts to hold them back.

At some point, Derek finds himself drifting away from his body and realizes that he’s dissociating. He did it as a teenager, but this is somehow even worse. At least when he was violated then, Carl couldn’t hurt him too badly or risk throwing him off his football game. The man clearly has no such reservations now. Derek’s mind floats away as he watches Buford continue to pound into him. He’s lost control of his limbs, lost the ability to fight, but everything still _hurts_.

Derek doesn’t know how long the torture goes on before Carl finally climaxes inside of him. He pulls out of Morgan, causing him to let out a grunt of pain as the older man climbs off of him, panting as his semen drips onto the bed sheets. Morgan doesn’t want to think about how a large quantity of that semen is now inside him, defiling his insides, or how the streaks of red on Carl’s dick are almost certainly his blood. He tries not to have any thoughts at all as he watches Carl wipe himself off and get dressed.

“I’ll let you get some rest before we continue,” Buford says. Carl reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small vial filled with a clear liquid. He draws some up into a clean syringe and puts one hand on Derek’s thigh, preparing to inject him. Morgan tries to move away from the touch and curses his body when it won’t cooperate. Then the needle jabs him and the world slowly fades away.


	2. Chapter 2

When Derek wakes up again, body aching but not unbearably so, he has no idea how much time has passed. All he knows is that he’s still restrained on his bed, fully naked, but now positioned on his stomach. The gag in his mouth is gone, too. Morgan can be grateful for that, at least. He tries not to think about what Buford might have done to him while he was unconscious, or what his choice in position might have to do with his plans for the near future.

So instead, Morgan tries to figure out his situation. He remembers driving Spencer to the airport. That was on Friday afternoon. He has memories of returning home alone, and then...nothing. Buford must’ve knocked him out, either with drugs or a blow to the head, on Friday night. The lack of any serious headache makes Derek almost positive that it’s the former. Reid would probably be able to figure out what drugs he’d been given, but Morgan doesn’t know.

Derek tests his bindings. They’re just as secure as they were before, dashing his hopes of making an easy escape. With barely any slack in the chains, Derek knows he won’t be able to reach his nightstand to access his gun. If it’s even still there. For all he knows, Buford has it and is planning on using it on him when he’s finished.

The thought makes him want to give up. Morgan knows better than to hope that Carl is gone. He knows the man will rape him again, probably soon. Just knowing that makes Derek feel disgusting. The stickiness under his naked body doesn’t help. Nor does the lingering feeling of Buford all over him.

But Derek forces himself to focus. He’s not a child anymore. He’s an FBI agent with family and friends he’s going to see again. He has a boyfriend who’ll be home in a day, and Morgan intends to be alive for his return. So he has to figure this out.

Morgan considers what he has to work with. His strength, typically one of his greatest assets, is useless at the moment. And although there’s a chance the team has realized that something is wrong, he can’t count on them to save the day either. That just leaves one tool at Derek’s disposal - his mind.

 _Start with what you know_ , Morgan thinks. _Profile your way through this. What do you know about Carl Buford?_

He’s a preferential sex offender. He was intelligent and charismatic enough to build up a reputation as a community leader, all so that he could gain unsupervised access to teenage boys. Most of his victims were black. None of them had a father figure in their lives, making them easier targets. He’d manipulated them into keeping his secret with the promise of athletic careers and scholarships. And he’d killed at least one kid in order to avoid getting caught.

But Derek isn’t a teenage boy. He’s over twice the age of any of Carl’s other victims. The rape - it’s not about attraction. It’s about control. He’s trying to punish Derek for exposing him and getting him sent to prison.

He must have escaped prison. It has to have been very recently, else Derek would have known about it. Which meant that someone else had been keeping tabs on Morgan’s life. Closely enough to know his address and that he’d be alone this weekend. Buford wasn’t working alone.

 _Great_ , Derek fumes. _So even if you do find a way to take down Buford, there could potentially be more violent criminals on his side._

But he can’t dwell on that. He needs to focus on getting help, and the clearest way he can see to do that is to play into his captor’s delusions. Morgan’s stomach turns at the thought of voluntarily attracting the man’s attention, but he sees no other way to resolve the situation. So the agent closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Buford!”

For an instant, nothing happens. It’s just long enough that Derek dares to hope the man has left. But then he hears footsteps. His heart sinks as Carl shoves the door open. “You’re awake,” he says gruffly. “Ready for round two?”

“Actually,” Morgan replies. “We need to talk.”

“Oh?” Buford asks sarcastically. “You didn’t seem so interested in talking when _I_ wanted to, but when the great Derek Morgan snaps his fingers he expects me to come running?”

“You’re right,” Derek says, hoping he comes off as genuine. “I was wrong. I ruined your career and reputation. It’s only fair you do the same to me.”

“And how exactly do you suggest I do that?” Carl asks. “Last time I checked, _I’m_ the one who had _you_ tied up like a common whore.”

It takes everything Derek has to hold his tongue. He knows Carl is trying to upset him, and it’s working, but he can’t let it show. He has to stick to the plan if he wants to get out alive.

“Everyone heard how I got you sent to prison. They think I beat you,” he says. “But you have me now. Let everyone know that you have me here, doing your bidding. Show my family and friends that I’m your...whore.” The last word sticks in Derek’s throat, leaving behind a taste he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to wash out. He’s grateful for the first time that the chains on his limbs keep his face hidden. There’s no way he could look Buford in the eye. “You want that, right? To expose and humiliate me in front of everyone?”

Carl is silent for a moment as he considers the proposal. But then he scoffs. “You think I’m stupid, don’t you?” he asks. “You want me to tell your team where I am so they’ll come running in here to save you. But no one’s coming for you, Derek.”

Morgan feels a strong hand on his back as Buford climbs onto the bed, and he knows at once that he’s failed. “Wait, no,” he gasps. “That’s not what I meant; you don’t have to-”

Suddenly, Buford stops. “Actually, you might be onto something.” Morgan can feel the bed move as Buford climbs off the mattress.

Derek freezes. _Did that really just work?_ He doesn’t even dare breathe as he hears Buford walk out of the room. The man returns a moment later but is silent. Finally, Morgan can’t hold in his curiosity any longer. “What are you doing?” he asks.

“You gave me an idea,” Carl replies. “I’m not going to let your friends know where you are, but I thought I might grab my camera anyways. Maybe when I’m done with you, I’ll show everyone what a filthy slut you really are.”

Morgan doesn’t even have the chance to react before Buford is very nearly pouncing on him, knees digging into his thighs to prevent even the slightest of movement. His mind is protesting, not just that Carl is apparently filming him but that he’s about to be raped again. He knows it’s going to hurt even worse this time; he knows what to expect and his body is already tensing in anticipation of the pain to come. Hands roughly separate his ass cheeks as Morgan squeezes his eyes shut. An involuntary gasp is pulled from his lips as Buford slowly pushes his fingers into Derek’s body. Then the man spreads his fingers, stretching the agent beyond what he ever could have imagined possible, and plunges his entire fist into his swollen passage.

A scream rips through Derek’s throat as Buford’s hand splits open something inside of him. Morgan can feel himself tearing with each thrust, and the agony is greater than he’d ever thought possible. Morgan’s tears flow freely as warm blood begins to lubricate his torn passage. He’s dimly aware of a sensation resembling pleasure as Buford expertly violates him, but the feeling is far outweighed by the sheer _pain_ that consumes his being. “Please,” he gasps. “Stop.”

But the man keeps shoving mercilessly in and out of his body, laughing as he twists and flexes inside Derek’s body. Morgan thinks this is going to kill him, no, he’s sure it’s going to kill him, but it doesn’t. It just keeps happening. And then, it stops.

Morgan has never experienced such profound relief as when Carl finally pulls out. Blood and traces of fecal matter leak from his torn anus, but Derek is too exhausted to even register his disgust. The only thing he can process is that _it’s over, it’s over, it’s finally over_. Buford climbs off the bed, and this time, Derek feels almost grateful when his abuser shoves a needle into his thigh. He lets his eyes close without a struggle, welcoming the drug-induced escape from his living nightmare.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm truly sorry for this story, both this chapter and the ones to come. The only defense I can possibly offer is that I needed an outlet for my feelings over the current world situation (I'm currently quarantined at my American university, and the only bright spot I can find right now is that this gives me time to continue this spring break series for longer than I previously anticipated). I hope all of you are well at this time.


End file.
